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conjurdude


El chupacabra tomó mis pantalones

el Jesús grande de la mantequilla


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A not-very-modest proposal
no more caffeine
conjurdude
On my iGoogle page, there's a link to a story about how, despite rising gas prices, people are still clinging to their SUVs. It sounds like the predominant reason is something along these lines:

"Well, after I drop Cassidy and Cody and Jebediah off at school, I have to take our Golden Retriever Pippin to the groomers before he goes to doggy day care. Then I have to go get groceries for the next two weeks, and pick up Steve's dry cleaning and the backdrop for the photo shoot that our local Chamber of Commerce is doing for the winner of the Junior Miss Suburbia pageant. Then I have to pick up the kids from school, drop Cassidy off at her underwater baton twirling class, Cody off at soccer practice, and little Jed at his Tai Chi for Toddlers, run home, fix a salad with a Quorn patty for Cassidy the vegetarian, put the chicken in the oven for Cody and Steve and me, make macaroni and cheese because Jed won't eat anything but, and make dessert for all the kids because they all demand it, and then go and pick up the kids from their classes and practices, and pick up Steve from the office because his Camero's i the shop after he ran into a tree trying to get his iPod to play through his car stereo and his carpool buddy's gotta pick up his daughter from his ex-wife's place. And then after dinner, Steve's gotta go back to the office to pick up the grill he left there from yesterday's company cook off! Maybe he can pick up a video and a bottle of Prosecco on the way home!"

My suggestion to you people worried that you really really need an SUV? Stop popping out so damn many kids! It'll save you on groceries bills, gas money, space issues, and drastically lower the amount of stress in your lives, meaning mommy and daddy won't need to drink so much!

Problem solved.

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And don't forget, she's got to stop and pick up her crystal meth or Adderal or whatever else she's taking to keep up with all her hypothetical brats.

But the culture's to blame, too. Gotta have everything, have it now, and have it with gold plating and an extended warranty. And if you don't live that way, you're considered an abomination.

My internet got set up today. The technician seemed almost frightened when I told him, "No, you're not setting up TV too. Please note the deliberate lack of a television." Of course, as soon as (he thought) I was out of earshot, he murmured "Fuckin' hippie."

Guess I should grow my hair long, start smoking weed, and wearing tie-dye. But then I'm sure someone in an SUV would deliberately run over me as I biked to work ;)

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