Chris (conjurdude) wrote,

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Y'know, for a guy who tends to be as nice as me, it's really weird that I just can't get into the Christmas spirit. I guess I'm just not happy. Not really depressed, and sure as hell not going back on Effexor, but I'm just not happy. I guess I just don't really have anyone I can talk to regularly. Nearly all the friends I still have are in Chicago, with the exception of Ren, who's nearby (but out of town for the holidays) and Tuffet, who's off in LA getting shaken by periodic earthquakes, so I can't get together with them nearly as often as I'd like. I don't talk to dad or his side of the family, and I really don't like the family on mom's side, either. A little too Jesus-happy for my tastes. I don't have anything in common with them, so I try to avoid them, as well. Who does that leave me with that I can connect to?

All in all, I'd like the last two or three years to do over, please. Can that be my Christmas wish?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

I'll be sending out emails or IMing my friends in Chicago or elsewhere, most likely tomorrow, and I'll keep my little pity party to myself, since I've learned that sharing my misery and occasional anger just makes people miserable and angry at me.

I just feel like I've been forgotten by almost everyone. Even those who say I'm important to them when I'm around don't really follow up with demonstrations of it when I'm not nearby. It feels like I'm just taken to be an inevitability. But I feel myself growing apart from the people that are important to me, and it doesn't feel like there's anything I can do to stop it.

I worry sometimes that I'll just wind up being alone. By that I don't mean, dying a miserable old bachelor, with no one to care for me, Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay ain't got nobody..., but that I'll just be remembered with a smile and a "Whatever happened to ol' Chris?" but without a phone call or email to actually find out. It's taken as a given that I'm the same as always, and that I'll always be on the other end of the line with a smile in my voice and warm words in their ear. I'm reliable, so why would anyone need to check?

To top all this off, after my dad found my LJ email, I've wondered if I should (or even could) let go of everything I've carried and built up around me for the last 5 years and let him back into my life. Why should I, though? I don't think I can forgive fully what he did, just as he can't let go of the notion that since it wasn't because of me that he left mom, it shouldn't affect me. So I've had to be there for mom for the last 5 years while he gets to go off without anything weighing him down? I resent the hell out of that. I resent being the only thing that kept my mother going, kept her from thinking about death more seriously that I'd like, and having that burden laid on me, like a wet, stifling, smotheringly hot blanket. I resent having that weight thrust upon me. What scares me is I'm not sure if it's made me resent my mom as a result. I don't want to, but living here for the last 10 months has just made that pressure and weight bear down on me even more, because now I don't have the luxury of 100-some miles separating me from her need. I have to face it every day. I feel like I'm being bogged down by expectations and love and disappointment and desperation and her being able to say "At least Chris loves me. At least Chris won't desert me." And I do love my mom, but I feel confined by her love as well.

But I can understand how she feels having someone important to her just up and walk out of her life. I've been living with it for the last ten months. And for the last 5 years. And I want to move on, and I want to repair the damage, and I know I can't do both, and I don't know if I really want to do either. I hate being alone, but I don't know if I can ever really trust anyone again, either.

I just know I'm not very happy this holiday. But I guess I just brought it all on myself. Actions have consequences, you gather more bees with honey than with vinegar, insert favorite meaningless platitude here.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

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