Chris (conjurdude) wrote,
Chris
conjurdude

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news from the weird

So, first things first, I gave blood today, which is why i picked "drained" as my current state, as I have been, quite literally. I'm a pint lighter.

That said, I was at work on a double shift yesterday, and the earlier part of the evening was quite dead. Our closing server didn't get her first table until about an hour and 15 minutes into her shift. So, in an attempt to keep myself entertained, I came up with a very long list, and wrote it on little pieces of note paper. It was inspired by my recollection of this list, entitled "The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to do in the U.S. Army." I started off only being slightly tongue in cheek, and wound up going straight past the "sublime" to grab "the ridiculous" by the throat. It is going behind a cut-tag, since it's freakishly long, although it does not run to 213 entries.

And now, Ladles and Jellyspoons, in the order I wrote them down, I give you "Things Chris is Not Allowed to do at Work."


  • Refuse to give menus to guests that seat themselves on the patio

  • Berate guests that move inside from the patio because they're "chilly"

  • Call the aforementioned guests "pussies," "wusses," or "wimps" (to their faces, at least)

  • Kill guests who switch tables in the dining room without asking anyone

  • Bludgeon guests who don't want to sit in the windows because it's "cold" or "drafty"

  • State or imply that guests are on crack (to their faces at least)

  • Chase small children while carrying a knife and fork.

  • Leave the podium to pursue the ice cream man

  • Sneak pulls from a hip flask

  • Bring a hip flask

  • Blow smoke at guests while off duty

  • Bring a funnel and length of rubber tubing to blow smoke up a guest's ass

  • Poke small children

  • Make balloon animals

  • Perform interpretive dance

  • Mime anything

  • Tell guests that not sitting where I want them to "makes the baby Jesus cry"

  • Throw my voice to make guests' food talk

  • Initiate a food fight

  • Give anyone "the stink eye"

  • Sing opera

  • Recite dialogue from any play by David Mamet

  • Impersonate management

  • Impersonate clergy

  • Participate in "No Pants Friday"

  • Incite a riot

  • Gather souls for Cthulhu

  • Gather souls for "personal use"

  • Tap dance, or attempt to do so

  • Smite anything not posessing six or eight legs

  • Wear food as a hat

  • Give guests a wedgie, wet willie, purple nurple or Hertz donut

  • Give management a wedgie, wet willie, purple nurple or Hertz donut

  • Pretend that I can set things on fire with my mind

  • Set things on fire (exception: candles)

  • Use a spoon as a catapult

  • Use a fork as a catapult

  • Install unauthorized surveillance equipment

  • Dabble in Alchemy, astral projection, metalsmithing, or Dianetics

  • Feign a seizure

  • Pull a chair out from beneath a guest as they're sitting down

  • Sculpt anything out of foodstuffs, especially mashed potatoes

  • Urge people to floss

  • Call any dish "an erotic thrill"

  • Listen to "the voices"

  • Reply to "the voices"

  • Gargle at the host stand

  • Set up a face-painting booth

  • Raffle off the bar stools

  • Raffle off the liquor

  • Hold a raffle

  • Book any wrestling events; Jello, mud, or otherwise

  • Hurt myself to "see if I still feel"

  • Test to see if my co-workers are piñatas

  • Test to see if my co-workers are evil doppelgangers from another dimension

  • Exhort others to "shake it like a Polaroid picture"

  • Play the zither

  • Photograph people's feet

  • Dress as an elf, hobbit, dwarf, ringwraith, man of Westernesse, or other Tolkien character

  • Wear pointy ears for any reason

  • Intentionally cause traffic accidents

  • Answer the phone with "Chris' House of Whores, how may I service you?"

  • Practice wanton acts of destruction

  • Claim that I had to "destroy the tiramisu in order to save it"

  • Plant a flag in the lobby of the Oriental Theatre [next door to our restaurant] and claim it as part of our "manifest destiny," even though Britain got away with doing that to other frickin' countries.

  • Subsidize Drew's drinking [Drew is a former but much-beloved bar manager that sometimes comes in to drink before his shift at other bars]

  • Establish a new system of measurement and insist it be used to the exclusion of all others in the restaurant

  • Wear a muumuu

  • Charge a "seating fee"

  • Wield a broadsword

  • Balance chairs on my head, especially if there are people sitting on them

  • Perform a strip tease

  • Provide running commentary on what the bartender is doing

  • Scream "Meat is Murder!" while gnawing on an extremely rare steak

  • Sell small watercolor paintings of clowns

  • Introduce myself as "Admiral"

  • Draw on my co-workers with a pen out of boredom

  • Attempt to tattoo my co-workers, even if they give consent

  • Build a miniature flamethrower

  • Wax the bar top and slide pint glasses off the end.

  • Slick down the bar and use it as a makeshift "Slip'N'Slide"

  • Yodel

  • Initiate sing-alongs

  • Sneak up behind people and quietly go "woo."

  • Reenact favorite moments from "The Three Stooges"

  • Wear roller skates and offer people malts or cherry phosphates

  • Organize a bacchanal

  • Speak solely in rhyming iambic pentameter

  • Challenge guests to arm-wrestling contests

  • Skip merrily through the restaurant

  • Sing showtunes at the top of my lungs

  • Attempt to break any kind of world record

  • Play frisbee with bar coasters

  • Give kazoo lessons

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