Chris (conjurdude) wrote,

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I haven't slept...

I've been up all night reading and listening to music.

I just went out to have a smoke, and it hit me hard. It's probaby the emphasis the holiday season places on sentimentality, but I really miss Bacon.

Now, I realize several of you on my friends list don't know who the hell I'm talking about. For insight, you'll need to go back to late February and early March of 2003 in the archives. Here's a quick summary. Bacon (better known as Dan) was my roommate. I did something very dumb out of frustration, and I was asked to leave the apartment, which is how I wound up back in Wisconsin. I haven't seen Dan since March of 2003. I've tried emailing him a couple of times, but he's never responded. Several people who knew Dan said that my friendship with him was kind of like watching an abused spouse go crawling back to the abuser. I can sort of see where they're coming from on that, but, like so many interpersonal relationships, it was complex. Dan and I had some really good times together, but he could also be sort of a fair weather friend. I don't miss that aspect of him, but I miss the "Bacon" portion.

Bacon, I guess, was the goofball-ish, good friend side of Dan. He didn't exactly have different personalities, but he had different moods. I always felt I was a better friend to him than he was to me, but there were times when he was a very good friend. For one thing, when I was perpetually broke due to my crap-tastic college-meets-real-world work ethic, he never let me go hungry, although he could have. While he didn't always want to talk about what bothered him, he would listen to me when I vented or moaned or fretted about what was on my mind. He had it in him to be a good friend, but things wound up falling apart for several reasons.

My work ethic has improved in the 21 or so months since I left Chicago (it helps working for a place that makes you feel valued and important to the company). I don't make a lot of money at my current job, but since I don't have rent to pay I really don't run out of money. Since I started my current job about 16 months ago, I've been late maybe twice, and I've never called in. If I needed to deviate from the schedule, I always had a replacement lined up. I'd like to think I'm not as angry at the world as I was in Chicago (nowadays, most of my anger is focused on the federal government, if I can be bothered to think about them at all). I'd like to think I'm a stronger person now than I was then. And, of course, I beat myself up mentally thinking about how things would have been had I not done those stupid things nearly two years ago.

Nearly two years. What do I have to do to be forgiven? I'm not going to grovel, but I do want to try to set things right. I've said as much in my emails. I haven't gotten a response. Maybe he's got anything coming from "strangetikgod@whatever" blocked. I don't know. I don't know if he's received them, or if he did receive them if he actually read them.

I know there's two of you on my friends list that know Dan. I know you've got your own opinions of him. But I know if I can start trying to mend my relationship with my dad after five years of being incredibly pissed off at him, there's got to be some way to repair my friendship with Dan after only two years of just missing him.

I know I must sound like some lovelorn fool here, but that's not the case at all. My friend Renee's moved to Madison. My buddy Andrew is in Chicago, and I haven't had a decent conversation with him in months, and I haven't seen him since Halloween of 2003. Most of my friends are in Chicago, or scattered elsewhere. And I just feel so lonely sometimes. I go into work early and I sit at the bar afterwards just so I can be with people I like in a social context. I'm so far removed from everything except my whacked out family that I just treasure whatever social interaction I can scratch up.

So those of you on here who know Bacon, could you please try to plant a seed with him on my behalf, to try to open the lines of communication? I think it would help me a lot. I don't expect or want things to go back to the way they were, pretending that this all never happened. I just want to try to think there's some hope that he won't, you know, hate me forever, and that I'll never have any chance of just making some stupid joke with him, or know why things went wrong between us the way they did. I just want some sort of resolution.

You all know I'm not much of a religious man, but I truly do pray that if there's any chance of a reconciliation, that it can happen. That would be a great Christmas gift.

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