Chris (conjurdude) wrote,

  • Mood:
  • Music:

my tale

"I had to," says Dan. Lisa has already scurried out of the room, and the three police officers are instructing me to gather whatever I need for now, to not talk to Dan, and to leave the apartment. I look at his blank face, and my blood heats my face. "Why," I wonder, "am I embarrassed?"

Dan and Lisa. Lisa whining "Dan! Pay attention to me"

Dan playing the piano and singing, Lisa bitching at him to stop. He does, but only because she's starting to pout.

Cheryl telling me she's not comfortable with Dan dating her old roommate.

Dan defending Lisa's indefensible position on some mundane issue. That she's wrong doesn't bother me. That he's sticking up for her when he knows she's wrong does.

"My relationships are always more important than my friendships," Dan says. His friend Matt has given him advice on the matter online, citing "Bros before ho's>"

Cheryl: "Lisa IS a pathological liar. She admitted that when we were living together." Dan: "I didn't know that."

Dan begins to ignore Cheryl and my, forsaking us, it seems, to spend more time with Lisa.

Cheryl: "Lisa's not happy unless there's a crisis." Me: "And if there isn't one occuring naturally, she makes one." Dan, as usual, disagrees.

Lisa says she was raped. Part of me very much doubts that. She makes herself out to be the victim in all situations so that she gets attention and pity. I don't know if she was raped or not, but, horrible and callous as it sounds, I wouldn't put it past her to fabricate the situation.

Cheryl has talked with Robin, the other roommate that she and Lisa had lived with. Robin says that Lisa hasn't talked to her for weeks. Lisa claims Robin kept telling her to go away. Which one's the pathological liar? Cheryl recounts her conversation with Robin on the eL. Lisa and Dan feel Cheryl was being confrontational. Cheryl and I disagree vehemently.

Dan asks me if Lisa and I are fooling around behind his back while he's at work. I tell him there's no way I would ever do that to him. And I wouldn't.

Lisa spends about 5 nights a week at our apartment. Cheryl and I joke about charging her rent. Dan spends the remaining nights at her place. Both are so co-dependant that they cannot sleep alone.

Dan returns from driving Lisa home and says that she doesn't feel welcome in our apartment anymore. I think it took her long enough to get the hint. Dan blames us for this, but mostly Cheryl, as she was the one who recounted her conversation with Robin. I merely defended Cheryl. Dan departs for Lisa's once again. Cheryl and I decide that we will adulterate her hair care products with shampoo, rubbing alcohol, and Listerine for color. We giggle like children pulling a prank. The contact lenses, birth control pills, and nasal inhaler we leave untouched.

The flashes come faster now, blending into a slightly jerky motion picture. Dan tells Cheryl on Sunday that he won't be moving because he doesn't have time to look for a new place. Dan goes to work on Monday. He comes home, naps, and then drives out to the suburbs to pick up Lisa from work. She is in a meeting with her supervisors because the guy who allegedly guarded the door while his buddy allegedly raped her is now working as a security guard at her office. She says it makes her uncomfortable, but she doesn't want him fired because he needs the job. I think she gets off on the power of being able to say if this guy gets shitcanned or not. Dan comes back briefly to pick up some stuff and informs Cheryl and me that someone at work is moving out of their one-bedroom apartment, and that he is going to move in. One day after he says he won't move. He then goes back out to continue pitying Lisa, as he has been doing off and on since noon. He tells us we'll discuss it when he gets back from work tomorrow. I am livid, not so much because Dan's moving, but because he's doing it when convenient for him. Cheryl is rather upset too. I get nominated to call him and ask him to come back Monday night to discuss it. Dan declines, fearing that I sound like I'm "going to rip his head off." I tell him fine, and that he should get back to fucking Lisa, then. This is where the infamous bed-stabbing, condom-impaling, hair-care-product-dumping fun takes place. Cheryl is there, but doesn't seem at all frightened of me. I chat with Kay (roolet), and she talks me out of deleting Dan's music (after I back up a copy of course). I calm down somewhat and go to sleep.

The next day, we discuss things. Cheryl, as usual, is not in the slightest bit confrontational, though she was plenty pissed off the night before. I'm still cheesed off. So Cheryl plays good cop, and I play bad cop. We try to point out that Dan probably won't be able to swing the move financially, but he is convinced otherwise. Nothing much gets resolved. I go to my room to have a cigarette and call my friend Andrew. Andrew and I make plans to meet at his place. About this time, Dan announces he's going to look at his nice shiny new apartment. I'm giving him the silent treatment, so I put on my shoes and walk out. He makes no attempts to follow. Andrew and I discuss things, and I feel much better about everything. I plan to do a major job search the next day, so I can afford to stay in our current apartment with Cheryl. When I arrive at my apartment, there's no one home. Dan calls my cell phone shortly after I return. He asks if I'm home. I say yes. He says he and Lisa and Cheryl are at the Deluxe Diner. I ask if they want me to meet them there. They say no, that he and Cheryl will be back soon. They return, with Lisa in tow. They kill time, and are joking around with me. Then the conversation starts. They want me to go home to Wisconsin to get help. I say I'd rather not. Dan dredges up some animosity about how he's been supporting me. I told him I never expected him to buy me food all the time. I tell him I'd rather starve than have him be pissed off and resentful about that. I tell them I don't think therapy would be helpful. They claim they were worried about me when I "stormed out" to go to Andrew's. Then they tell me the filed a police report. Not because I was missing, but because I stabbed the bed. They think I may become violent towards them. I break down and start to cry. Then my mother arrives. Dan had called her. And he had called roolet, so she arrives. I am forced, against my will, and despite the fact that I consider it completely unnecessary, to return with my mother that night to Wisconsin. She later tells me that if I hadn't gone willingly, Dan was prepared to call the police. Hmm...I wonder which psych major with an inflated ego put THAT idea in his head? I cry most of the way home, feeling like I've been banished by my friends.

I do a lot of thinking in Wisconsin over the next few days. I calm down a lot. I try to call Dan to tell him this, but despite leaving messages saying that I'm feeling better and want to reconcile things, he doesn't return my calls. Roolet seemed to think I was being committed to a mental institution. On Thurdsay night, smelling a rat, I have my friend Michael call Dan and ask him to call me. Michael reports back that Dan is "not sure if he'll call." I decide to return to Chicago and try to have a face-to-face conversation with Dan. Thinking I was being courteous, I call and let him know I'm coming in by train on Friday morning. Mom insists I take Michael to the house with me to defuse any confrontations, and to back me up in case any false accusations of me making threats are alleged.

Friday morning. I go to my apartment. No Dan. I send Michael home. I wait. I search for jobs. I go get lunch Still no Dan. I futz on the computer. I read the paper. at 6:55pm, Dan returns. Lisa scurries in ahead of him and into his bedroom. I smell a rat. She's distancing herself. Then I see the police officers.

"I had to," says Dan.

I get my stuff together. I call Michael to see if I can crash there, as Dan, Lisa, and Cheryl are all apparently so terrified of me that after I notified them I was coming home (which, I feel obliged to point out, dear readers, I had no necessity to do) they spent all day in circuit court getting an "Order of Protection" against me. They were afraid I would harm them. If they knew me at all, they'd know I'd rather die than see any harm befall my friends. Yes. Even Lisa. Because she's important to Dan (for some reason). The police were an added slap in the face. It told me that I wasn't trusted at all.

This "Order" says I cannot contact them at all, directly. I have to speak through other people. I cannot return to the apartment when they are there, except if I am accompanied by the police. I had to relinquish my keys. When I realized that they wouldn't need my rent check if I wasn't staying there, and I crossed to Dan's desk to retreive it, Lisa shrank away as though she thought I'd hit her. That is masterful acting, friends and neighbors. And that right there made me suspect some ulterior motive for this. I was being betrayed by Judas Clingman for an unknown number of pieces of ass. Dan accused me Tuesday night of making Lisa feel like a whore with my comment on the telephone the previous evening. I told Dan that's what I viewed her as. She's a glorified fuck-buddy with some paltry attempt at an emotional connection through manipulation. Yes, there's no love lost between Lisa and me, but I would not inflict harm on her.

Roolet, however, as we know by now, provided logs of conversations I'd had with her regarding Lisa in which I'd "threatened her." Ok, you know how you've said to people "I'm so mad at you, I could kill you?" Context, people, it's all about context. Dan chose to take those comments way out of context. The judge administering the Order of Protection, apparently agreed. Was I angry? Yes. Did I actually physicalize that agression? For the first time in my life, yes, I lost control. Was it stupid of me? Yes, very. Would I direct that aggression in a physical manner toward my friends? Never in a million years. They all know that. Dan and Lisa and Cheryl and Kay. They know I would never harm a single hair on anyone's head. If they don't, then it's obvious that they don't know me at all.

See, I don't hurt people. It just seems like I always end up getting hurt.

Now can y'all understand why I feel incredibly betrayed? I'm not really angry anymore. I'm just hurt, and betrayed, and wondering why people that I considered to be among my closest friends could turn on me like that. I trusted them, and in return, I get banished. Dan has told my mother he's not even sure if he'll ever be able to talk to me again.

I've lost a lot this week. But I didn't lose my mind. People just seem to think I did.

P.S. I'm calling about therapy in the Grafton Wisconsin area on Monday. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to regain the friends I've lost (or driven away) over the last week.

P.P.S. Kay, if its at all possible, could you refer Dan to this? I'm forbidden, as we all know, from contacting him directly.

  • (no subject)

    So, I'd spent the last month and some change worried that I'd done irreparable harm to a friendship that really does mean the world to me; I'm so…

  • Oh, hi there!

    Hey, there, LJ, I didn't see you come in... So yeah. It's been a looooooong time since my last update. TL;DR, I'm in California now. I relocated,…

  • (no subject)

    I miss California tremendously. I'm working on getting back there permanently. That is all (for now).

  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded