Chris (conjurdude) wrote,
Chris
conjurdude

  • Mood:

can't sleep.

my brain keeps doing "what if's" about Friday...going over and over all the stuff that's happened.

What confuses me the most is when I first told Dan that I stabbed his bed, he was irked, but not freaked..."irritating" was how he described it. Then, the next day, after he had a chance to talk with Lisa was when he got fearful...I think she used her "extensive psychiatric knowledge" to persuade him I was dangerous. So they sent me away. Then, when I came back to talk, they got the "Order of Protection." What would he have done, I wonder, if I hadn't let him know I was coming back, if I had just shown up. Would he have called the cops? Would we have talked? I don't know.

Of course, if I hadn't let my temper get the better of me, this would all be moot.

I honestly don't know why they're afraid of me. The stabbing was alarming, but I know he knew I'd never harm him, or Lisa, or Cheryl. They sent me away the first time, they said, because they were worried about me. Then, knowing full well how I don't like being in Wisconsin, they make it so I had to stay here. And now, I have to stay here even longer to get a job, to earn enough money to get a new apartment in Chicago. I would have had enough to put a deposit on a new place if I hadn't had to come back here; I'd just gotten my IRS refund.

I don't know if it was intentional or not, but I totally got screwed over by all this. Mom's dismayed that the main reason I've actually consented to go to therapy is so people will get off my back about it. I just want to get back to my life, and my remaining friends in Chicago. That's the goal I'm working toward here.

I'm just really nervous about Friday.
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