Chris (conjurdude) wrote,
Chris
conjurdude

I'm reminded every day about the friend I've lost. Some days it's remembered with anger, some days with pain, some days with just simple memories of things Dan and I laughed about. It almost sounds as though he's dead, but he's not, obviously. And in some ways, that makes it harder. I think of things I want to tell him, or jokes I want to share with him. But I can't. And I think the fault is on both our shoulders; mine for having brought about the events, and his for carrying matters much further than were truly necessary.

I've lost my friend Dan for now. Maybe someday we can repair matters. Maybe we'll never be able to. I know I'd like to. I guess we'll see how he feels in time. I want to believe there's a part of him that misses the good times we had. I think a lot of my anger comes from the fear that he doesn't miss them at all, or doesn't want to remember them, the way that I didn't (and to some degree still don't) with my father. I know what people are capable of when angry.

I'm trying now to just let it go, and hope that things will fade with time, that the sharpness of the pain will dull. I don't want to mourn him, because he's not gone. He's just been removed from my life. I don't want to mourn the loss itself, because I'm still holding on to any shred of hope that things can be reconciled. That's really the part that hurts the most, and that troubles me the most; there's been no resolution. Everything has just been delayed for 6 months. I think that's really a big difference between Dan and me; I want to make things better, and he's always seemed content to leave matters be, either because that's the way things have always been, or because he doesn't want to concern himself with them enough to get involved. That's why I made waves and the Shedd and he didn't, I think. Dan doesn't think you can fight City Hall. I say, if you don't fight it, nothing will ever change. Changes for the better I can deal with. Changes for the worse, or at least huge drastic changes that immediately effect me and uproot me from everything I know I'm not so good at accepting.

I don't want to think that Dan's happier without me being around to joke with, or bounce ideas off of. Maybe he is, and I'm just deluding myself. I know I'm not nearly as happy without being able to kid around with him. My therapist (God, how I hate using that phrase) seems to think that I'm trying to deal with issues that are entirely Dan's. She's suggested that Dan hasn't been that good of a friend to me, at least from my recounting of matters. And even now, I'm defending him. I refuse to remember only the conflicts. I did that with my father, and we all know how well that turned out. Yes, there were conflicts, but there were far more times of laughter, and camaraderie, and being happy with each other. Most of my anger comes from the situation being entirely outside of my control. A lot of the anger comes from Lisa. I was there before Lisa, I will be there after Lisa (if there is an "after Lisa"). I think both Lisa and I tried to change Dan over the period that we've known him. The difference, I think, is that Lisa has tried, it seems to change him into what's best for her, while I tried to change Dan into what was best for him. I know how foolish it is to let a girl come between my friend and I, but what's done is done. I hope Dan can forgive me. I'm doing my best to forgive the ways that he's hurt me.

I miss ya, Danny-Boy.
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